Thank you, Dear Kenna, for your kind words and understanding. I just want to feel "all better, right now".  You're right, it will take time.

So I did WATP 30 Minute Walk, and I'm all sweaty, but drinking hot coffee (DECAF!) anyway, and eating a nectarine. Yesterday, I changed a couple of light bulbs, vacuumed the living room, family room and dining room, and ran a duster over things. That, and my post here, plus a marathon of Bejeweled Blitz on facebook were my grand accomplishments for the day.

Today, I'd like to get some more jewelry made. I was trying a new design last weekend that just wouldn't work. It's laying forlornly on my work table, patiently waiting for me to transform it into something beautiful. Maybe I'll be able to do that after a bit more coffee.

Sorry, Blog.

I've been avoiding and neglecting you. If you were a pet, you could be dead by now. If you were a plant, maybe dead, maybe straggling along on your last legs. But you're electrons, and live on in the Great Out There until I come back to visit you again.

I think I've let up on writing because of the return to full-time work. The jewelry making has fallen behind, too. It will be interesting to find out whether time will help acclimate me to the work schedule, then let me phase the other activities back in, or whether I'll go back to feeling tired all the time. The former would be preferable to the latter.

It's a good thing I don't own a dog.

Where did the week go?

The last time I was here was last Saturday, when I was reporting on Thursday...

Now, it's Friday, and there's no way I'll catch up on everything in detail. That's why they call it a "diary", Sue; you're supposed to do it every day.

Grandma Lee's ashes left yesterday with her granddaughter, who will spread them in Cuba, NM, in a wild, green place. Lee would have loved it. I have a little bit here that I will take up to the Flagstaff area next weekend (the 12th). I don't think Lee's looking down on me or anything. It's just that I promised her the mountains, and I need to know that at least some of her goes there. I need to do it, and see it with my own eyes. It's not that I think her granddaughter's lying to me. This is something I have to do for my own head. It will be part of closing out any unfinished business.

Other than that, all that remains is to wait for the nursing home to settle out any of their charges that hadn't hit Lee's trust account before she died. There should be a check from them by late October with all the money that's left. I have some expenses that haven't been reimbursed, yet. Once those are squared away, I'll go get the savings bonds for Lee's great-grandsons, et c'est finis.

Return to work is scheduled for Tuesday, finally. I thought it would have been Wednesday of this week, but it's just as well. It turned out there was household and business stuff to clear out of the way, not to mention the cobwebs between my ears. Half days Tuesday through Friday, then back to a regular schedule the following week. Boss has promised they won't dump on me all at once when I walk through the door. There were some information gaps that became apparent while I was gone. The first task will be to look at those (along with about 3 million emails, I'm sure) and figure out how to fix them.

The jewelry making effort slacked off just before, during and after GL's passing, but I've made up for it with a vengeance yesterday and today. Today alone, I made nine necklaces and five pairs of earrings, two of which are chandelier-style and were somewhat fussy to make.

Yesterday, I made four necklaces, and just a couple pairs of earrings. There was one with a skull that I made as a joke for my friend, but I set up my display at karaoke last night, and that was the first item to go! Who knew?? Guess I'd better go buy more skulls.

skull necklace - 19" - $10 SOLD

The bone skull was strung with glass beads on tiger tail and a s/p barrel clasp. It measured 19"

I tell people some of my pieces have bone in them, and they always ask, "What kind of bone?" I don't know what kind of bone. Horse? Cow? Water buffalo? They aren't human, bird, or fish...anything else? Who knows...

Necklace and earring - $10 for the set

17 1/2" necklace w/black bead and cut crystal earrings

This is a pretty set: cut red and clear crystal strung on tiger tail with silver bugle beads. Black and silver bead earrings are included in the set for $10.

 I made up a few quickies that can be sold at a low price point. They use inexpensive, common glass beads, and silver-plate hooks and eyes. They're easy to whip up in a hurry while watching TV, and can sell for $5.

Earrings that match cost $4 unless they're purchased as a set. Then, I knock off a dollar.

It seems simple to price all basic earrings at $4 per pair, then give a discount if they're purchased to create a matching set. People don't always want all the pieces.

#48 - 19" - $12

 This froggy gets a lot of attention. He looks like he's made out of jasper, and there are chips of obsidian, goldstone, green glass beads, and has a silver-plated toggle closure.

#49 - 18" - $12

 This is a combination of chip obsidian, goldstone, and silver and green glass beads. It has a silver-plate toggle clasp.

#51 - 20" - $12

Snowflake Obsidian frog focal piece

Another frog - this time made from snowflake obsidian. It's strung on tiger tail with jasper in flat ovals and 6 mm snowflake obsidian round beads, along with glass bugle and seed beeds.

#54 - 21 1/2" - $15

This piece is made of blue sodalite, s/p drum beads, chip and nugget obsidian, and black glass seed beeds.

It's heavy enough that it could be worn by a man or a woman.

#54 focal piece

One of my friends has been asking if I would make some pieces with cloisonne. Lucky for both of us, I found one of the big bead stores here in town carries them at a cost I can manage.

#62 - 19 1/2" - $12

Blue ovals and cut clear crystal.

They aren't high-quality beads, but do have nice color and patterns

These chandelier earring go well with #62. The dangle measures 2" in length, and they cost $8 for the pair

#63 - 18" - $12

The red cloisonne necklace has the same basic pattern as the blue. Aside from the color difference, the blue has textured s/p toggle closure, and the red has a s/p barrel clasp.

Chandelier earrings #63 - 2" dangle - $8 pair

#55 - 23 - $16

It's difficult to get a photo that does this justice. There are rich browns, lavender, blood red, creams...the nuggets are marked "mookaite", the large focal piece may be jasper.

#55 pendant

This close-up gives a better idea of the richness and variety of colors in the stones.

#57 - 19 1/2" - $12

This the second set I made with one of these bone turtles. The first was given as a gift to Grandma Lee's caseworker at Plaza del Rio Care Center. The woman made things happen when they were needed, and ran interference when I was on a roll. I'd be tempted to go back and do volunteer work once in a while just to get to see and talk to her again.

Earrings #57 - $4
Bone and silver-plated findings

#58

#58 - Millifiori - 18" - $10

This 18" necklace has rectangular millifiori and Indian flat cut beads strung on tiger tail with glass bugle beads and 2mm silver-plate rounds. It closes with a silver-plate barrel clasp.

#58 Earrings - 1 1/2" long overall - $4

#59 - 20" - $16

 This adorable turtle with beautiful stone inlay on its shell is strung on tiger tail with black onyx round beads and glass seed and bugle beads. It closes with a simple silver-plate toggle clasp.

It's one of my current favorites, and I'm sure it will sell on Sunday at Karaoke.

#66 - 18" - $12

Pewter rounded rectangles, Indian table-polished deep cobalt beads

This one is a close second to the inlaid turtle on my current favorites list.

It's difficult to see the deep cobalt color of the flat table-polished beads, and it goes so well with the flat silver-plated pewter beads that separate them, and make up the earrings.

The rest of the necklace is made of silver glass bugle beads and a simple, silver-plated toggle clasp. I love the classic style--there are so many outfits this would work with.

Earrings 66 - 1" overall from top of round bead - $5

#65 - 18" - $10

Red coral turtle and nuggets on silver bugle beads

Another critter--a red coral turtle this time, strung on tiger tail with coral nuggets, silver bugle beads and a silver-plated barrel clasp.

Thursday

A man from the funeral home called me early yesterday morning; they needed papers signed to authorize the cremation and get the insurance company to pay for the services.

After I got there, it turns out there was one piece of paper that she'd filled out in 2004 when she prepaid the services that had never been shown to me. That named her son as the person who could sign to authorize the cremation. Ugh. We thought we had it all covered so he wouldn't need to be involved in the "business side" of all this.

Called Grand-daughter, she got him moving, and they both showed up within a half hour. I hadn't seen this man for more than 10 years. At one time, I had loved him madly. He looked so different; old and tired. He's only a year and a half older than I, but he has not been kind to himself.

I guess because of the unpleasantness that triggered my involvement in the whole Grandma Lee situation, he didn't know how I was going to treat him. He wouldn't look at  me as they walked toward the building from his truck. I just held out my arms to him and said, "Come on...hug me." And he did. We went inside, and the papers were all signed, including verifying the information to go on the death certificate.

We all drove over to the nursing home, where we very quickly went through Lee's things, donating clothing, shampoo and stuff, and packing up the rest.  Lee's son took most of it in his truck, and Grand-Daughter and I headed down to a mall in Tempe to see if we could find something she could use as an urn without having to shell out hundreds of dollars.

We shopped and talked, found some items we needed personally, and then finally found a lovely ceramic container to hold Lee's ashes until her grand-daughter is ready to spread them in the mountains. Once again, we realized that neither of us had eaten all day, and hit Joe's Crab Shack before I dropped her off back at her father's house.

Because he lives fairly close to our karaoke hangout, I stopped by to say hello to my friends for a little while. Drank water and didn't sing--it just felt good to be around friends.

Slept very well on Thursday night.

Grandma is done and gone

Grandma Lee's grand-daughter came Tuesday night, and stayed at the nursing home with her gram from then until about 7 in the morning, when she we home for  a little while to shower and get a few hours' sleep. I arrived at 10:45, fully intending to stay two or three hours and then go home. However, it was very clear that Lee was coming near her end, so I waited for Grand-Daughter to arrive somewhere around 1:30 (if I recall correctly--time blurs).

She sat near the head of the bed and held her grandmother's hand non-stop. I was on the other side, near the foot, and rested my hand gently on Lee's lower leg. We talked to Lee, we talked about old times, we talked about life since we'd spent real time together last--which has been many years. I always had strong maternal feelings for Grand-Daughter. Her own mother was/is a case, her father (whom I loved at one time) ineffectual and sad, her Grandma Lee was the solid place in her world. They were each others' lights.

We sat there for hours, chatting, laughing, sharing, and including Lee in the conversation. If you'd been watching, it might have looked strange, because she clearly was not "sitting at the table". However, every once in a while we'd talk about something that had emotional meaning to her, and Grand-Daughter would see a few tears fall from her right eye. The hospice nurses told us that hearing is the last sense to go, so we think she really was listening to us.

I've never been in the room when someone died before. The hospice nurse gave us an idea of what to expect in terms of physical changes as she neared the end, so we knew when she was in the final stage.  Grand-Daughter kissed Grandma's hand, and cried, and spoke about her love. We both told her how much we appreciated all she'd done for us, and how much she was loved, and that she deserved to rest now.

Lee's breathing had been a little fast when I arrived. Now she was trying to take deep breaths, but clearly couldn't fill her lungs. The breaths became fewer, and irregular; she'd pull in three or four, and then it would stop...so long we thought she was done, but 30 seconds later another group of straining breaths; then another lull. Subjectively, it seemed to go on forever, but I think it was probably about 6 or 7 minutes of this.

Finally, there just wasn't another breath. Grand-Daughter said, "It's been a long time since the last one." I said, "Yeah, I've been watching the counter on the stereo, and it's been about 2 minutes. She's gone. I'm pretty sure. I'll go get the nurse." I went out in the hall and grabbed the first nurse I found to let her know that Grandma has passed. She hung up her cell phone call and went running to find an RN. I went back in the room and sat back down. Grand-Daughter hadn't moved. She was just looking at her Gram.

We started talking again while we waited. A man wearing khakis and a polo shirt and carrying a Bible came in the room. He introduced himself as one of the chaplains. I don't know whether he just reminded me of an actor who's in horror movies a lot, or what--he's compact, not much taller than me, dark wavy hair, metrosexual-tidy--I thought he was a little strange from the get-go.

Grand-Daughter and I introduced ourselves, and he started to talk about how he and "Sister" Lee had spent many good times talking about Jesus and the better world to come. That irritated me a bit. I know Lee, and what probably happened was she was glad to have anyone stop to talk with her, so he preached, and she sat there and nodded her head a lot so he wouldn't leave. She was a Christian, but not a church-goer, or a very specific type of Christian. This guy was a card-carrying bible banger. She probably rolled her eyes when he left after one of their conversations.

Anyway, without asking us any questions, he walked past me to lean over Lee's head, still babbling on about walking hand in hand with Lord Jesus and such, and then he stopped. He stood there, looking down at her, and said, "hmmmmmmmmmm." Beat, beat, beat, beat.  "Hmmmmmmmmmmm." Beat, beat, beat. "Ummmm, uhhhhh, is she breathing?" In unison, we answered, "No, she died a half hour ago. We're waiting for the hospice nurse." Then, we turned to each other, talking with our eyes, and what our eyes said was, "CREEEEEPYYYYYY!" And we suddenly were trying not fall into a case of "Inappropriate Giggle Syndrome". How could this guy be a chaplain in a nursing home, and not know what a dead body looks like? I mean, dead-for-a-half-hour, not just-now-expired. I don't know--maybe he's a perfectly nice man who didn't expect to see newly-bereft people chatting quietly rather than sobbing and tearing their hair. Frankly, we'd already met two other chaplains; one from the nursing home, and one from hospice, who were lovely people. They talked to us, got to know a little about us and Lee, and were very tender and loving and respectful in their ministrations. This guy--he was gonna throw Jesus out on the table, and we were all gonna eat it seasoned his way, by golly!

We were both too tired to cut him any slack. Neither of us got up or said more then "Mmm-hmm?" We just watched him as he beat retreat out of the room. And then we looked at each other again, and laughed, and said together, "That was creeeeeepyyyyy."

The hospice nurse finally came, got info, called the mortuary for us, and we left. Neither of us had eaten all day, so we went to a nearby barbecue restaurant called Dillon's. I'd thought it was a steakhouse, for some reason, and had wanted a filet, but the ribs I managed to eat tasted fine, and Grand-Daughter seemed to enjoy her "dip" sandwich. The two of us just couldn't shut up the whole time we were at the restaurant, so the eating was slow.  "Two to-go boxes, please."

We said goodbye in the restaurant parking lot, loosely planning the next day's tasks. I went home and called friend Shana and asked her if she would take me out and get me drunk. Even though she had to get up at 5:30 the next morning for work, she came to get me. I hadn't had a drink in....a month and a half? more?...so after three songs and three mixed drinks at the karaoke bar, I was all sheets to the wind, and Shana poured me home, where I promptly tried to be sick. It didn't happen, but I wished it would. Shana is a good friend. She's a person who will always be there for you whenever you ask. I owe her one for taking such good care of me Tuesday night.

I believe I'll keep my distance from the alcohol again. That therapy didn't feel nearly so good as I remembered. It was just the first thing that came to mind after the very rough day. I wanted to numb up, and all I did was make myself sick.