Up and Out

Visited GL today.

Up around 7:30, 40 minutes DVD exercise (WATP), shower, clothes, and made it out of the house around 10:30. The time taken will need to be shorter when work starts again, but at least it all got done today, for the first time in three weeks or more.

Also stopped briefly at the store to get her diet pop and graham crackers. Peace offerings? Not really. Just stuff she likes.

Found her nodded off in a wheelchair (big HONKIN' thing!) in the hall a few doors down from her room. Probably the meds. If that doesn't ease off, I'll speak to the nurse or doc about it. Less angry is one thng, zonked out is another entirely.

All the framed photos and paintings need to be rehung (again), so will bring hammer and small nails next trip, along with the quilt I bought for her last year, but never brought by. I don't like this room as well as I did the other, but she wanted a change and she by-god got it. Be careful what you wish for.  There is less usable space for her stuff, and the view out the window isn't nearly as nice. Someone thought it was a good idea to put her hamper full of nasty, dirty clothes in the closet, and her clean ones now smell bad. Urrrgh...

I'm going to mess around with the little TV I bought her when she was in Assisted Living to see if I can get the DVD player to work. If so, a bunch of nature videos from the pawn shop will keep her occupied when there isn't anything on regular TV she wants to watch.

Her grand-daughter, C., came with her two little guys while I was there. Handsome, rambunctious little boys with their Mom's blond hair, but cropped short.  She handled everything with good grace. As I've said before, she's become a level-headed young woman, and it's good to see her and her young family.

My back has been aching for the past two days. It could be from being in bed so much this week. I also wonder whether it could be medication-related. The pharmacist said the new meds would make me thirsty. Could that mean they might put a strain on my kidneys? I'll make it a point to drink more water this evening.

Shana and I are supposed to meet at the school of massage therapy to get 2 for 1 hour-long student massages in the a.m. Hey, $12.50 each is a smokin' deal, and the students do a good job. I used to go a lot several years ago, and will be going regularly again, now that I've found their new location.

S. says she's never had a full-body therapeutic massage before. I think it will be good for what ails her. She needs some pampering, and this is boy-howdy pampering. I just wish I could go TONIGHT. And tomorrow. And next Wednesday would be good, too.

Instead of eating a big meal late in the day, I decided to take myself to a local Italian restaurant I like for a substantial lunch. Didn't eat breakfast, and have the option of reheated leftovers and/or prepped salad for dinner.

The last time I went, it was with GL, and the place was called Polo's. Now it's Nostalgi'a Cancione e Vino. Same lovely, friendly young lady serving, and the same good food coming out of the kitchen. I had Baked Eggplant Rollatini (well, one rollatino...the other two came home with me-BIG), and a 7" Margherita pizza with a "side" salad that was way more than iceberg lettuce and a chopped tomato. Mixed lettuce with a Romaine and spinach base, tomatoes, red bell peppers, fresh raw mushrooms, cucumbers, it was a good size and came on the plate with the pizza. A thin crust, fresh sauce and mozzarella and fresh basil leaves were drizzled with olive oil and baked so it was crispy and gooey. Oh boy...did I eat too much? Yes, I did. And yet, I still managed to pack in a cannoli and some very tasty decaf coffee.

I had to wait while the chef mixed up the cannoli cream and filled the shell. The filling was a little too soft, but tasted very good, and the presentation with stripes of caramel and chocolate sauce made it irresistible. I suspect the filling's consistency would have been better if it had been given time to set before serving. Hey, I was having dinner for lunch. Next time, I'll try to have more patience.

Oh, and the lady said they now have live music on Friday and Saturday evenings. There's a piano for the playing of standards. Maybe I should go with a friend for a glass of wine to see how good the music is.

Just for the record, it's in a little strip mall on the south side of Glendale Avenue, just east of 51st Avenue, and it's worth looking for.

So andyway, I salved my raw nerves with food again, but I did it at a good place (not fast food junk), and didn't curl up in a ball in bed with it. That is a step in the right direction. A gooey, cheese-laden step.

Awakened by call from Bro just before 8 after once again falling asleep well after midnight. 'SOkay, Bro. I'm the one marching out of step right now.

Now that I'm awake (more or less), there are things I should be doing for which I have NO motivation.

Reading for a while and then napping before facing reality is the most attractive path. Anything else will require a shower, dressing and leaving the house. That will be fine later. Right now, not so much. Limbs of lead don't accomplish much.

More Thursday

Got the mail, made the appointment.

In the mail, there was a notification from Cox Cable that the rates are going up AGAIN. Ridiculous.

I called them to work through something I can afford. This was my true test today. Not good for me, these situations; not good at all. Did okay, though. Didn't cry or yell, and managed to stay focused well enough through the call to understand what the lady was telling me (I had to ask her to put it in very simple terms, like "This will cost $150 on your next bill) and follow through.

Not going to the nursing home today, though. Nope. That's not gonna happen.

I'm depressed and anxious, not nuts.

Thursday....the....29th...yeah, that's it.

My iGoogle home page had a link to instructions for making a wedding cake out of tiered cupcakes, which led me to inexpensive wedding suggestions, which led me to how to have a friend ordained so they can perform your ceremony legally.

I've been accused, with much spit and venom, of being a secular humanist (by a raving BAC cousin). Don't have a problem with that--it's probably true, just not a bad thing as he apparently believes. But maybe I'm a spiritual humanist. I took a look at the website, and can see correlation with my gut feelings about life, the universe, and everything. Yes, I know. 42.

Human beings need ritual of some kind as a bonding agent for a sense of community. Even as an atheist, I still like to go to certain religious holiday celebrations with "believer" friends. The traditions are comfortable and warming, even though I don't buy a word of the prayers being said or the doctrine espoused. It's nice to have a pretty tree in the living room at Christmastime, and to give gifts to friends and family. Thanksgiving is a great time to be with people you love and share a special meal. Why aren't "people" a good enough reason to get together to celebrate and be glad for what you have?

Sleep was screwed up last night. Meds didn't kick in until very late, or something, because I was still awake at three. First opened an eyeball sometime around nine, did my necessaries, and promptly fell back into bed to sleep for another hour and a half. Would have been later, but got a call from GL's nursing home letting me know she's moving to another room in long-term care.

It would be a very good thing if the anti-depressants the doc ordered after her psych eval work for her. I surely would be depressed if I had to live there, too, and I don't even have her history of happy feet when it comes to living accommodations. She hasn't been a joyful and/or satisfied person for most of her life, although she's made the best of what she had most of the time. It would be good if we could shoot for "not miserable" and get close.

Half the day is gone, and I haven't exercised or gone out. Given my mental state right now (lack of sleep and waking up to GL issues), going out to check the mail may be my self-challenge for the day. It will require putting on clothing and going out the back gate. Anything more than that will be gravy. Oh! Wait! I need to schedule a mammogram! That would make TWO things I don't like to do in one day. I'm set.

Tomorrow, a trip to the nursing home may be in order. I have a gift to bring (a quilt) and can see her new room. That's all the ambition I can screw together for now.

If it's Tuesday, I must be at the doctor's office...

Psych this morning and therapist this afternoon.

Meds are working as intended, apparently, although I've developed the social habits of the Unibomber over the past couple of months. It's time to test their effect against people/tasks/situations that cause stress and anxiety.

That's my assignment over the next few weeks: keep doing what's good for me, while easing back into the world to see if and where there are still weak spots that need attention (in my mind--the world will have to take care of itself for a while). Plus, I need to keep track of my efforts so minds outside my own head can gauge how I'm doing.

While I'm at it, I need to make sure I take the extra Vitamin D the PCP recommended after the lab tests last week.

The one concern I have about the medicine is that I feel like I'm sitting next to myself--not completely in my own skin. Detached? Very. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Lost Two Days, Only One Was Part of a Weekend

Here it is Monday, and I'm writing about...Saturday? That's because yesterday and today have been ... I wanted to write decompression days, but it's more like I went sub-surface for all but the most compelling needs. That would be be bathroom and food. I think I answered the phone yesterday, but don't remember.

The pool and poker party was very relaxing and enjoyable. As usual in pot luck set-ups, I ate way too much for way too long. Just hung out with the other non-poker people while my friend enjoyed the games she was in. They played for five hours! I thought that might be par for the course for Texas Hold 'Em tournaments, but apparently that's a long time. They started with 11 players and got down to the last two around 11:30 or so.

We were in my friend's truck, but I was the driver so she could drink if she wanted to. She did, so I drove, and all was fine.

Even though Friday night and the Saturday festivities were fun and I felt non-pressured, there must be some element of social interaction that is stressful without my realizing it. Why else did I wind up mostly in bed for two solid days? Of course, I find it wears on me to talk on the phone when I get like this, so hauling my body to another location and putting it amongst multiple others in a room and asking my brain to follow and participate in conversations may be tougher than one would expect. At least I stopped the crying thing. Haven't had a good jag in more than two weeks.

There are two medical appointments tomorrow, so I must get out of bed, clean, and on the road. If anything else needs doing, it will likely be done then.

There are ongoing GL issues, but I'm maintaining minimum necessary contact to deal with them right now. I'll be stronger later in the week. It'd be nice if she could postpone any looming crises until Wednesday or so.

ANYWAY....

Going out two days in a row may have been overdoing it, even though both situations were laid-back and enjoyable.

I've been in the house, mostly in bed, and feeling rather disconnected yesterday and today. 

"I'm laying in bed. Why am I laying in bed? I'm not sleepy, not really tired, not sick; so why am I in bed?"

"Because it's just too damn much trouble and effort to get up and take a shower and go someplace else. That's why I'm in bed."

I'm not sure whether that can be defined as "okay", but I don't feel particularly bad. It's almost like I'm sitting next to myself, instead of inside. Does that make any sense at all?

Friday night...

...was enjoyable.

Went with my friend to our usual haunt, but to hear my favorite local band (The Bank) play, instead of for karaoke.

The place wasn't crowded, but the people there were friendly. Wound up dancing with a couple of people. We're all pre-Woodstock, so you'd think we couldn't move much. You'd be wrong.

Tangents

Two hours ago, I sat down in front of the computer to download the photos from my trip so I could edit and post them.

The memory card is still in the slot, but I haven't even opened the graphics program. I've written email, cruised blogs, watched a couple of videos on YouTube, made coffee (decaf; yes) and oatmeal.

If there's any question about whether or not there is still a problem with focus, this may answer it. Of course, I know people who live their whole lives like this, but they aren't me, and I don't want them showing up for my job before I feel up to it myself.

Mail

A card sent by a good friend was waiting for me when I arrived home on Monday. I appreciate her taking the time and trouble.

That's what a lot of people don't realize anymore. A "real" card "counts" more because of all the steps you have to go through to get it to the recipient. E-cards are fun, and they show you put some thought into positive contact. However, for me anyway, it can be a challenge to do the snail-mail card because of all the mental and physical steps involved. Plus, having grown up before email, finding a treat in the mailbox outside my house will always cause a little charge of excitement. All too often, these days, all I find is an armload of circulars and ad flyers that go straight into the trash when I get inside. What a waste of paper and energy--not just for me--for the sellers, for the printers, for the postal system, and THEN for me. And so disappointing to plow through all of it to make sure no treasure is buried, only to come up empty so many times.

I can't decide whether direct-mail advertising is keeping the US Post Office afloat, or killing it. I think sending ads out should be WAY more expensive than first class mail, as they are so wasteful of precious resources. Let them subsidize the first class mail, and we would never have to pay higher prices for stamps again. Or, maybe I'm totally off base, and it would cause the USPS to collapse inward on itself from having not enough work to do for all those well-paid, highly unionized employees. It isn't that they don't work hard, and under a lot of pressure. It's that a good portion of the work they're doing results in boatloads of waste paper going in landfills or just back into the recycling bin.

Waste, waste, waste.

Bye Bye Colorado

After spending the past four days with my folks in Colorado, it's time to head back to the Arizona heat. Heat is to Arizonans what snow is to Minnesotans, except less fun. If there were no such thing as air conditioning, I'd be forced to live in...where would you not need A/C these days? The heat wave covering the country makes it seem no place is immune anymore.

Suggestions, anyone?

I had debated canceling this trip in light of mental health issues, but am now glad I didn't. Because there was someone else to get me to the airport and back, and the planes have departed on time and less than full, the most stressful part of traveling (for me) has proven negligible.

Being with family, celebrating Dad's birthday, enjoying glorious Colorado weather (for me--the Coloradans are horrified by the heat) have all proven therapeutic. I am far calmer now than a week ago at home.

How much of that therapeutic benefit will last longer than 24 hours will help determine what environmental factors are having a big impact, and whether or not the new meds are doing a good job.

Cellular Etiquette -- is there such a thing? Discuss amongst yourselves.

When someone answers their cell phone in the middle of a face-to-face conversation with me, I feel as if I've been left in a waiting room somewhere...looking at the wall hangings and wondering when I'll be allowed back in...ugh.

Call waiting is okay when I'm really waiting for an important call, and wind up talking to someone else in the meantime. If that's the case, I warn the person I'm talking to that I might have to leave quickly because of the (whatever the importance is). If that doesn't suit, I can always call them back at another time.

Otherwise, I take note of whoever has called, and continue the original conversation without ever answering the incoming call.

I just know all these people aren't doctors or Hollywood agents. Unless someone's life is in danger or a minimum of a million bucks is on the line, do NOT answer that call unless you're alone, or in a place where your conversation doesn't impose on those around you.

I actually had this experience:

I was waiting in a line...for a movie? a show? a checkout line? doesn't matter...and a woman a few feet away from me was on her cell phone. She spoke VERY loudly, and was clearly quite upset about the subject at hand.

By the time she noticed me looking at her, I knew waaaaay more about her personal life than I ever wanted. She said, into her phone, "Hold on a minute!" And then, to me, she shrilled, "What's YOUR problem!? Why don't you mind your own business?" I replied, "I'd love to, but you're making it so difficult."

She must have served in the Navy, based on the names she called me then. Everyone else around us gave me the thumbs-up, though.

Sunday in July

No exercise this morning. All I could think of when I woke up was getting clean, and jumped in the shower without doing my routine first. After all that scrubbing, I'm not going to get sweaty again before going out to a small birthday celebration later. If I still feel like walking away the pounds (and I may need to) after that, fine.

Haiku for Today

Kick! Kick! Walk! Walk! Walk!
Sweat rolls down like a river
Wears down mind’s rough stones

I love you, but...

Today is my Aunt Karen's birthday. She died several years ago at the age of 62. She's another one I miss.

There's the trip to Denver next week for Dad's birthday to look forward to. It will be warm there, but not as hot as we've been here the past week or so (110F or better). Depression isn't the only reason I stay in the house a lot!

OS and I are rubbing at each others' nerves. He needs a job, and I need to get out more. Or, he needs a job, and then he'll be out more, and I won't have to worry about whether or not I feel good enough to get out of Dodge.

He has the possibility of several full weeks of work in CA, but he'd have to drive back there. So long as his car is in good enough shape to make the trip, I think he should go. He needs the money, he needs to be away from me and this house, he needs a fresh perspective from which to decide his next move. Things are not working out as he thought they would when he came here.

I need the freedom to walk around naked if I want to.

How bad IS it, Doc? (or, Why am I going crazy?)

The therapist didn't realize how bad my situation has gotten until yesterday, I guess. She'd seen me cry and try to explain what I was having to do to function last week. Until she saw me calm(er) and showing her the notes I take and put in my purse, stick to my mirror at home, on the computer monitor just to remember where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do, she didn't understand how deep this goes.

"Sue!" she said, "This isn't YOU." Well, Sister, it's me now. I don't like it a damn bit, either.

The word she used was "splintered". Sounds right to me. I'll look it up.

She asked about what the psychiatrist said, and what we're doing about meds, and when it's projected I can return to work. From what she and the pharmacist said, it may take as much as a month to see how well the new stuff will work--especially since I'm weaning off the old one and ramping up on the new one.

That would mean the rest of the month of July to get me to the point where I'm totally on the new regimen, and the month of August to see whether or not it might help me deal with the pressure of work added to what I have here.

On the GL front, I'm basically down to visiting. That's usually once a week, but if I can't take it, it can be stretched out a bit. I don't like to do that to her, but we can talk on the phone more often to compensate. Even the caseworker at the nursing home says I should let them take care of more. My part should just be going for visits and answering staff questions or giving permissions when necessary. I can deal with that.

OS is looking for work, albeit not in the manner I would hope. He helps around the house, and is generally easy to get along with, but he eats like a horse, and his presence makes it necessary to run the A/C all day long. He has great ideas and plans. It would be good if one of them could gel enough to provide him with some income, sooner rather than later, please.

That leaves work. From what I understand, so far nothing has changed and everything is still hanging, hanging, hanging. If the damn shoe's going to drop, let it go, for Pete's sake! At least then people will know what they have to deal with!

A co-worker I like a lot gave her two-week notice last week. She just can't take it anymore, and she and her family are in a financial position where they'll get by nicely for a few months while she decides what to do. I'll miss her a lot. She was one of my "sanity checkers", along with being smart and supportive and a pleasure to speak with on almost any topic.

She is also one smart cookie. If she's bailing, it makes me wish I had the same resources so I could do it, too. She, however, has a spouse who makes a good living, money in the bank, is more highly educated than I, and will fairly easily find another job in her field when she's ready. My professional education is spotty, as it has gone on as the skills/information were needed, rather than through a cohesive program. Having a bachelor's degree only gets you through the door these days.

I will have to try to stick with it, however the chips fall. I just wish they'd fall, already. In my current mental state, the atmosphere of total uncertainty causes an inability to focus or concentrate on anything. Try doing database queries with an anvil hanging over your head...then the anvil starts to swing...and you can hear the rope creaking...That's where I am. If the anvil's going to land on my desk, let me know so I can scuttle out from under it in time.

I'm good at surviving disasters, oddly enough. I do good cleanup. The disaster has to happen first, though. Right now, I'm watching a tornado in the distance that's headed my way. It may veer off one way or the other before it gets close, or it may keep heading for my street. It may jump to another street, or it may take out three houses on my block before it does. One of those houses might be mine, or mine might be left standing while my neighbors' are destroyed. Yeah. That doesn't make me nervous.

Two weeks before she died, my mother told me, "Honey, I'm not afraid of death--I've been there. It's the dying that I fear." She referred to clinical death she'd experienced two years before, and the prospect of chemo and surgery she would face if she decided to fight the Stage 4 lung cancer they'd found a few days before we spoke.

That's the way I feel about work right now. If they're going to shoot me, just get it over with. Don't keep shooting at my feet to make me dance, or over my head to see if I jump. Just do it, or leave me alone to do my work.

People tell me I take this stuff too personally. It's just Corporate America. Decisions aren't made about me. They're made for the business as a whole, and many people are affected by those decisions.

Well, it's happening to me. You can't get more personal than that, in my opinion.

Get Out of the HOUSE!

Have an appointment with the therapist today. I thought I had one on the first, even had a card she'd written it on. When I got there, a young woman with a small child was waiting, too. When the therapist came out, I said, "It looks like we have a time conflict again." She said, "No, don't you remember? I called you to change it." No, I don't remember, and still think she didn't call me. She can be a little scattered when it comes to time. I am, too. That's why I write everything down. If she'd called me, I would have written it down. There wasn't anything on my voicemail, either. Hmmmmm.

This is the second time this has happened. We need to come up with a system to make sure there's good communication on this. Maybe she can text me if there's a change? That way I have something written for reference. I'll suggest that today.

Never left the house yesterday. Did the exercise, did the dishes, made breakfast, lunch and dinner. Watched a movie, read a bit. All in the house. Oh wait! I went out on the patio to water the plants. Does that count? It's a good thing there are things I'm expected to do "out in the world" today, or I'd probably stay in here again. At least I wasn't crying.

This morning, WATP Walking Strong Express (2 miles, just under 30 minutes). I did this one plus another yesterday, but today I used weights. That pulled pec still needs babying, so I went easy on the motions that call for it. I'm sweating like a cold can of beer on a hot summer afternoon. That's sounds good, doesn't it? The beer, not the sweat.

What day is it?

Yesterday was another mixed bag. No exercise in the morning. It appears I've strained the left pectoral muscle somehow. I worked out today, but was very careful of it.

There was much weepiness after speaking with a friend who essentially told me to mind my own business when I told her that her husband (who was my friend first) looked more depressed than I've ever seen him when I was there on Saturday.

These are the people who used to have the stinky, dirty dog, whom I helped move (twice), whom I've driven to the doctor, the supermarket and picked up from jail.

He said he doesn't want her to discuss their problems with me because it embarrasses him. I said, "Look, I have eyes. I can see what's going on whenever I'm there." "Well, maybe it's better that we just don't have contact that makes you feel like you need to comment." I said, "If that's the way you want it, and you feel I've been butting in, I'll butt out." Okey-dokey, Kiddo. Fend for yourself...I'm done.

It was the right thing to do, but it still was the end of a friendship of more than five years. The give and take was rather one-sided, granted, but it's difficult for me to let go of a friendship--even one that may be unhealthy for me.

Anyway, that led to a couple of hours of crying on and off. I was ready to beg off going to a pot luck 4th of July party, but friend Shana said she'd drive, the food was already prepared, and I needed to get out of the house.

People started playing out in the pool, and I hadn't brought my suit. It was too hot to sit outside, so I stayed in the house. I felt tired, and went to the guest room to lie down for a while. Hit the horizontal and there went the waterworks again. Sheesh. I never know when I'm going to start leaking about the eyes and nose anymore.

I just stayed in there for an hour or so, waiting for everyone to be done watching fireworks so Shana would be ready to go. She came in to get something out of her bag, and realized I was there. She thought I'd been taking a nap--that's why she'd left me alone.

When it was clear that I was trying to stay out of the way and not bum anyone out, she asked if I wanted to go home. I said I didn't want to spoil the party for her--we could wait until after the fireworks. She said there was at least a half hour before they would start, and she'd get me home and go back in 20 minutes--no problem. So I took her up on it.

I then proceeded to climb into bed with a half gallon of ambrosia and finish it all off. Self-sabotage, anyone? We're having a special in the back bedroom.

Every day the number on the scale goes higher. Every day I start out right and promise myself to go for one perfect day. And every day, the sun goes down and all bets are off.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when 20 lbs was gone. Just be away from temptation. I see what I'm doing, struggle to stop it, and get run over by the train anyway.

I'd blame it on the meds if it hadn't started more than 8 months ago. How to plant my feet and push back? I tried pulling up one of the diets and thinking about measuring and planning each tiny bit (which is how I lost the weight in the first place), and wondering where the woman who did that has gone. I need to find her again.

The mental processes of long ago are taking hold again, and I DON'T want to go there again. I need to dig in and rediscover my strength--stop making excuses and whining and just do it.